Sunday, March 8, 2009

It's probably me.....

Reciprocity.That is something I learned the hard way.

Often enough, one hears the saying "Man is not an island". However, that is something not entirely true. I did feel that I am an island. Whether its by design or circumstantial, it hardly matters. Being 'marooned on an island', is good enough feeling.

We live in a life where everyone and everything is interconnected. So many people remind us not to be 'living in an island'. So, what does it mean by being interconnected?

Ever so often, we tell ourselves these sort of things. But we never learn, do we? Or is it we blind ourselves with other virtues, of which most probably means nothing to others. At least, maybe we ourselves feel strongly about it, in our own expectations on how the world should evolve.

Again, should we evolve around the world or otherwise?

I hope I will find the answer to that. As for now, I hope I will learn this time. At least, a little while longer than I should have the last time.

We face issues in life. Sometime, we could handle them. Most of these instances, we fail. More often than not, its over-bearingly too complicated for us to hold on, by ourselves. If and when that happens, what do we do? Wait for help? How would help come if people are not aware we need help? Ask for help?

What if when expected to be helped or even supported, we are put in a situation where people, whom we thought matters to us, felt they are neither in a position of convenience nor under no obligation to do so?

Should in our life, we expect some sort of extension on other people's kindness and generousity, especially at the times when we felt we need it most? Is that too much to ask, from people whom we thought 'matters to us'?

My father, for over twenty years keeps reminding me "Paddle your own boat!". This happened before and every now and then, keeps coming back. I guess, this is life. Especially in the materialism world of cosmopolitan Kuala Lumpur today.

My best friend used to remind me, "You are the sort of soldier who I want to be with in a fox hole at the front lines". Has this 'reliability' finally expired, for virtues that were never in my system?

Then again, of late, I ponder within myself on the virtues of 'loyalty', 'faith', 'sincerity' and 'expectations'. Of course, I did not find the answer. Either I am not looking hard enough or not smart enough to figure it out. I used to be resolved on the stance that I am prepared to take. Nowadays, sometime I am not sure. My confidence level now is somewhat in territories so unfamiliar.

Incidentally, I came to a junction of being 'wishful thinking'. "It is a positive trait", someone said. But it also somewhat being not true to oneself. Hypocrisy to your ownself????

In the final analysis, it comes back down to your ownself. My problem now, IF I think about myself first before my surrounding, isn't that selfish? Then again, my environment does not seem to care, when I needed it most!

So what the hell should I do now????

These are the times, Sting rendered it best. I know how Martin Riggs, despite being a fictitous character, must have felt. "Its probably me".

This is also the title track for "Lethal Weapon III".

P/S: I think Sting, Eric Clapton and Dave Grussin should do more songs together!